Vancouver “Star Realtor” Redux

The following post is an updated version of a piece that ran in the VR #17 in 2008. Some things never change…and sometimes they get worse. So after a recent stroll through Kits Point where a realty sign was spotted bearing the realtor’s name; Princess Pan, we thought it was time to revisit this one!

Vancouver Star Realtor Bicky Array wins the 2014 Fleecy Award for Real Estate Awesomeness ™!

What a year it’s been! Our BFF, Bicky Array, has watched in awe as his clients’ property values have tripled in value over the past five years! Now he’s finally receiving the accolades he’s deserved for all his hard work in standing by and letting that happen! Time to tell the world a little about Vancouver’s greatest “Star Realtor”!

Bicky Array was born in Quintana Roo and proudly claims Euro-Mayan ancestry. Abandoned to an orphanage at age 3, he showed resilience and determination from day one. He was destined for greatness. Excelling at Monopoly by age 6, he was recognized as a gifted child, pulled out of school and enrolled in an elite business college overlooking the Caribbean. With a freshly printed diploma in his pocket, Array quickly noticed that Vancouver had repeatedly been voted “Most Livable City” by the UN, as well as taking the number-three spot on the Terra Firma Foundation’s “Most Underexploited Development Target” list. He knew the time was right to relocate and begin a dazzling career.

Bicky hit the ground running, teaming up with real-estate superstar Honey Fortunata (2005 Fleecy Award winner), who acted as mentor and inspiration. Within six months, his commissions alone paid off a handsome West Van waterfront villa (a compromised Arthur Erickson design, now demolished). Invitations to charity galas and Yaletown squid-bar openings flooded in, and he soon became a fixture in the Vancouver Picayune-Standard’s “Bosom Buddies” society featurette, though he was rarely goaded into showing too much skin, presumably due to his uneven tans.

But success comes with a price, and Array fell afoul of angry members of the Hourglass Foundation, who objected to his
proposal to build discreet “green” view condos on an artificial mountain in the centre of Stanley Park in time for the 2010
Winter Olympics. Then there was that bathroom camera incident at his  Sustainability Grill and Tap Room, whose menu featured only local flora and fauna (sample: fiddleheads with squirrel loin in salal coulis). Then there were the exclusive fundraisers with civic politicians at his nightclub The Gilded Spot Zone and his curious hobnobbing with a local underwear manufacturer with a penchant for quoting discredited libertarian philosophers.

But Array simply moved on, recognizing that resentment towards visionaries has been the city’s stock-in-trade since its founding and that nobody is really paying attention anyway…or can at least be given a condo to blog about his buddies’ waterfront developments.

Sensing the need to ingratiate himself with the community, Array approached a government-funded arts centre and asked how he could help. He knew creative people had been pushed to the margins by soaring property prices, and began investing in the work of local visual artists carefully hand-picked by gallery doyennes. Yet controversy dogged him again when he went berserk at a press conference after being informed that he’d paid $1.5 million for a grey room full of toilet-paper rolls—apparently some sort of commentary on rapacious greed. Undaunted, Array promptly founded the Array Gallery on South Granville Rise, specializing in tiny, back-lit images of clear blue skies in editions of 3,000, attractively priced for first-time condo buyers. The opening gala benefited a colleague who needed to pay legal bills for having cut down a swath of public forest to improve his property’s view value.

But in the end, Bicky can always be counted on for his generosity. It’s what makes this country great and a great place to do business: people helping people helping the community. Array looks forward to a “Bestest of the Best” ™ 2015 and wishes everyone success with their dreams of equity excess!

©VR Media 2015